Where am I?

Last somedays I have been having weird thoughts.
I feel Im old, yes I'm : Fact of life. Worst is I feel I will die :s Another fact of life. But I just dont want to think about it.
Nothings helping the thought is there whenever it wants to...

I dont want to die.. I'm not scared of death - but I have started liking life since I have been married and I just dont want to die. Instead I want to rewind life 7 years back been married to my hubby then and enjoy life!

I want to lose weight..15 Kgs- straight!

Something I can do??

Precious baby...

My baby is mashAllah a very cute and sweet one. Doesnt cry much.

One of the habits I have been forcing her into is making her sleep in her crib, which she has started resisting alot.


I want her to be disciplined and develop good sleeping habits. Tried letting her cry but I cant see her this way!


Besides all over inetrnet they say let her cry.. I think I wont be able to do it. I dont want her to have this impression that world is an insecure place and Mama and Baba wont be there when needed...


Shes only a baby. I was 25 and a single tear in my eye would rock my mom's world... How can I be so cruel to my lil baby. All she wants is this attention from mom and to be around her all the time. Isn't it what I wish for too :s


So I guess I will just let her feel comfortable even if she wants to be in my arms, I will take her..After all this is what I wanted form my mom. Why deprive her...


I know it wont be long when she will be all on her own!

The baby mama

As my baby gets 3 week old yesterday, I have this feeling that time's flying and before I even notice, I will have to let her go off to live a life of her own.
Hasnt even been a month and it feels like she's been a part of my life from the very beginning!

With my mom here, I'm getting the best out of it. She's here not only for my emotional support but helping me with the baby the way I want it. She does all the household, hold the baby till late so that I can get few hour sleep and the best is I can talk and fight and argue with her.. I feel like Im a baby myslef and she feels it's the lil me that shes carrying instead of my daughter..

Time flies, true!

Yesterday, while coming back home after grocery, a line punched my heart hard... I was talking to hubby about the good old days. I said :" life will never be the same na!?" I dont know what words I was expecting to come as reply but the blunt reply was " Yes, it will never be the same so stop expecting it to be!"

Eversince, I have been married, I have been madly in love with my hubby. I have never had enough of him.. although he's always around, I'm left over with a craving for more of him. I have experienced being a baby with him and to tell you the truth, it isn't easy letting the inner baby go off...

A quick blog update

I wnated to blog, but the lil one keeps me occupied!
Finally today I have manghed to cheat her and get some time to blog.
And now, I dont have anything to write about!
Life is moving fast, very fast I must say and that's all I have to say :P

Friends...

Nomatter how friendly Im in real life, I sometimes had the feel of being alone.
In my student life I was always surrounded by friends, more relying on them than my own family! And some of you know well what I mean :)

I started blogging when I felt I was getting all lonely 3/4 years back. And Luckily eversince I have found some very good, although virtual friends. Some great piece of advise and some words taht lifted my mood and kicked my soul to come back to life.

So heres a BIG thanks to all my friends who have been a great part of my life. Thanks for sharing, being my support and being around. Thanks for making my belive true of making this a world a better place by just being a support!
I'm sure life's gonna be a great journey with all you around!

After baby...

I am blessed with a baby girl a week back. It was a c-section and the baby was delivered safely.
This post is not about what I wnet through when in labour or when I was operated with my eyes wide open, rolling around the room unable to move and thinking what would be going on with me.

It's about how I feel afterwards.

It's an amazing feeling to have a lil creature in ypour arms at the same time I feel more lonely. I can shed tears on everything. I feel like noone understands me and all that I went through.
I know all women give birth whether through natural birth or ceserean, For me it left a torturous memory of being seen by so many nurses and doctors. I don't know if anyone understands it...

Giving birth is a torturous procedure for me followed by a pleasant surprise. I feel so possesive about the baby.. every look at her gives me a feeling of joy and then when Im alone I cannot stop shedding tears! Why is it so, I myself cannot understand it.

I have this belly with scars, may be which will never heal. The pain that I wnet through after being operated, felt like I was lying in my grave unable to move my body. The pain I still feel while moving sometimes feel like dragging my dead corpse... The dark skin patches on my body, the weight gain... all feel so tortuorous.

My purpose is not to whine here about giving birth I want to know what exactly does a man go through while a female is expecting? I really feel like knowing how it feels to them. When we become the ugly hippo after bearing birth and they posses the kid being the proud father..

Does any guy understand how it feels...

I feel like life will never be the same again...

baby's on way!

My baby's on the way! Seems like a long way :-P How long does it want to stay in captivity?

4 more days left. Lets hope its on time and not late like daddy:)

Come up with some good baby names.

I have had enough! 9 months passed and 4 more days.. who's delivering the baby? Pakistan post office:P

No Karachi- why?

The reason why I don't want to go back to Karachi it is not one but many.
It's not that I do not miss my city but I'm scared of the people I an away from. I have had my share and last what happened broke my heart into million pieces. I prayed hard and luckily Allah heard! Alhamdulilah.
As I keep mentioning I had always been very sensative but to strengthen me, I got married in a Sindhi family who never accepted me.
I always felt a tug of war between me and my MIL especially, who wnated to know everything happening in our lives, let alone about my personal where abouts (which included how my brother got married and what does my bhabi do, the relationship between my mom and dad) That wasn't as hard as I often heard that I wasn't Sindhi, wasn't form family and that there were so many prety girls in the family!
(aah! ask me the defination of their beauty!)
The guests were told that I was their son's choice and that I wanst Sindhi.
Tell you frankly, I lived among Pathans, Punjabis and Sindhis, as I was born abroad. Never had any feelings but now, I hate Sindhis!
I know few who read my blog are Sindhis, but dude I cannot help it. The feeling of ignorance being let down infront of so many families! I had a feeling that they were actually ashamed of having a DIL who was non-Sindhi!
I tried to mingle up. Live up as I dreamt to be a good bahu. Cooked, asked for everything..but felt was taken for granted. Who when ever felt anything said it to me.
I heard my MIL saying that "log poochtay hain hindustani tu bohat dteya hain kia diy aunhon ney shadi mein." And my heart cried! I didnt say a word but simple, I must call her fool my mom what ever she gave, gave in private cause my MIL said "humain dikhawa pasnad nahin"

I saw major difference is what was said and done. I dont care. What stops me from going back is teh feeling of being ignored and the feeling of living as a second citizen in my own city!
I was asked so many personal questions including how we make out that I dont want to go back ever. I dont want to snatch the son, he's free to go but I dont want myself to face them.
My confidence, my personality all are crushed. I can freak out on a phone call from them. Most of all what I hate is teh competition of they knowing more than me! LOL I dont care.
I dont want to go back to that place where I felt I was ripped off my self respect. And I dont want my kid to be a part of that lobby.
I'm like that. Its not only about my inlaws but even if my dad scolds me for nothing or talk rudely I hold back.
This is me. If it is a cousin whos a friend but pissing me, I make her feel shes not welcomed. But some people are just too stubborn. They would nag and nag and complain and cry!
Oh and yes, I hate hypocrisy I cannot pretend to be nice when Im not having the feeling inside.
So in short, I just dont wnat to go to Karachi becuase of my inlaws. I know the Sindhi show there and I dont want to be a victim of it again.
That was one of my conditions before marriage that Sindhi wont be used to communicate when Im around but Alas! not every promise is kept. And I HATE the feeling of being leftout beyond anything.

A common issue!

One mistake that I have seen so many married girls doing is involoving their parents in their relationship with their husband.

Guys do that too. But I have seen girls walking to the parents place and crying their heart out about any xyz has happened. It not only makes it sound bad to parents but also makes the guys impression bad infront of the IL's.

When we want not to involve our inlaws in what ever is going between us, we should also stop making issues of small things unless it's really big (hitting, abusing...) Doing so, maintains respect of the partner infront of the inlaws and then once married, we should grow up to tackle our own problems.

The best is to keep them at such pace that they respect you and your partner and incase, you are a parent, never support your kid in ruining her life! Always guide her with the best you can. Making her understand that yes, you are there to understand, but its only the two of them (the coule) that can sought out what has gone wrong so they should sit and talk about it! No one else can help you solve a problem that's between you and your partner. Off course friends are there to share and give advises, but be wise, dont make fun of yourself by going to the wrong friend!

The worst memory...

Down the memory lane, I have this memory that I wish I oculd erase form my mind... A sin that I did in my childhood and so hope that Allah knows and understand and will forgive. InshaAllah.
So the story is I was a student of fifth standard, 9 and a half years old when it hapened.

What happened was pretty natural to happen with girls. We go through a lot of emotional ups and down and need support. Since I had no sister, I was looking forward to my mom to have that support.

Unfortunately, I didnt get it! infact I was bashed and treated like it was some sin that I did. I was told not to inform anyone about it. All effort was made to make me feel like I was gross and that it was something rare that happened to me.

At school, we use dto have this zero period for Quran every morning after assembly where we read Quran. I was so upset with all teh happenings and used to think everyone's going to hate me if they come to know about this dark secret of mine, that despite of mom telling me not to touch Quran in that period, I did.

I was scared of being an object of fun and hatred! And I had no expectations to be loved. So I kept on doing it for I think till 8th standard!!!!
And sometimes, now when this memory comes back to me, it gives me a very guilty feeling.
That's probably the worst I have done in life! I hope Allah understands and forgives my sin.

Moral of teh story: Never leave your daughter alone in times when she needs support. And never make fun of anything that's is not in one's hand.

Baby feelings, the insecurities

My last post was about my pregnancy news. I just thought of letting know the fears that I have and that I had.


First thing first, I didn't want to have a baby in Karachi. Leave alone, the why? :)


Second, had not even thought of having an unplanned baby, but it was accepted?


Third, the feeling of how life will change was just too hard to swallow. It might sound mean to you, cause it sounded mean to me. But I want to let you know how it feels when you yourself go through the experience. It doesn’t always come as a pleasant surprise and takes time for acceptance. May be that's why God gives 9 whole months to prepare you mentally and physically!


Life after baby changes completely. To others, its just a bundle of joy to play with, parents know the real show.
No, no I don’t want to sound bad. It's altogether great. Just the feel to have your own baby. I want the insecurities that a girl goes through, be described.

So as I said, my life was (Alhamdulilah is still) a fairy tale. Met my prince charming and fled away in the world of happiness and contentment (again Alhamdulilah and MashAllah) We used to hang out, eat, talk and talk and talk and roam around. Watching movies on our laptop was another thing to do when nothing else.


The first thing that hit me after I accepted the fact was will he still love me the same?? Will our life change after baby? I used to feel the attention being diverted, attention that I always craved for from my loved one. I felt even I wont be able to take care of him the way I did. (and yes, it happened many a times in late pregnancy that I couldn’t wake up to bid him bye in the morning and though he had no complaints, but I felt the changes already happening)


It was a lil hard to give up our freedom. Roaming around till late night, going for movies… You know the carefree life as shown in movies, read in fairy tales!
I know sooner or later it had to happen, it comes with the package. And oh, how much I love babies, but having my own baby….How many times I had thought about it!

A lot many, before marriage. After marriage my life turned out to be pretty different than I thought married life would be! And I just wanted the two of us. I cannot bear anyone who would take him away from me.


Yes, pretty mean, but truth is when you fall in love you don’t really care about anyone! It happened to me. I'm still mean when it comes to us. I can't at times imagine how he would cuddle up with the baby!
I know times going to teach me that, it surely will. And although they say babies bond married couples stronger, I have no idea about it!


So you see it doesn’t always feel as welcoming as you think it would!

the Love guru -- I

One of the misconceptions that teenage brings is "love" as the most important factor in a realtionship.

There is no doubt that love is the basic key but not for a successful relationship. The so hyped love doesnt come alone. Trust and resect are the other two factors taht make you lead to a life full of peace and happiness.

So teh key is love your guy to the extents but dont forget teh respect factor. Never let him abuse you, never let him hit you. Same rules go for the girls. NEVER!

If mistakenly done, talk it for once, yes only once and make it off the record.
Do I sounmd like the love guru ! LOL

A prayer for friends

I wish I could express how I feel when I read the blog of Skz or Beaurcrats wife or E's mama but I know words cannot do justice to what they go through every day of life…
I wish I had a magic wand and I could make there lives happy.

One thing I would say is hold on… I know so easy to say. But dude, Allah listens. Trusts me. When we believe in Him we also believe that He listens, we need to have faith in Him and ask him. And it's no big art.

When we believe in Him don’t we believe in Him watching upon us? Being close to us? And most of all do we not believe that He can give us…
But for some reasons, that human mind cannot judge and human eye cannot see, He doesn't grant us all our wishes.
You know it's so hard to believe but I do pray for each of you. Every time I read your blog, my heart weeps and I ask Allah to give you guys peace before you stop believing in the power of Dua.

Been there done that.

And I know how it feels. I still cannot go back to namaz the way I used to. Everytime I read Quran my eyes are flowing…
And no, no you know Im not a fanatic, who's preaching … Just one dua that made me content:

" Hasbi Allah hi la ilaha ilah huwa aleyhi tawaqaltu. Subhan Allah he arsh-el-azeem"

Which means that Allah will suffice me, no god but Allah, I have relied on Him. All praise is for Allah who is the lord of great throne.

May you find peace and blessings in your life. Amen!

I wish Pink!!!

So far the best keep secret on my blog has been about my pregnancy. Although I told few of the blogging buddies but still, it wasn't disclosed.

Now that the time has flew and I'm counting days to hold the little one (and go through the labour pain! It's scary:P) I thought of letting the girls know about it.

So yes, I will be a mom in few days. (Gulp!) I just don’t believe it! Seems like life has moved pretty fast for me! I still feel like a baby being pampered and now the roles will have to change.
To tell you the truth, it is not very easy accepting the fact that you will have a baby in your life. Well, may be not always. But in my case, it was not. Life was somewhat you call a smooth ride and I was just too lost with the better half. Never felt any space for some one else.

But it happen. It had to happen! It was an unplanned pregnancy and came to us as a shock! Funny thing was that before we got married, we thought of having a baby after an year of spending time with each other and this thing God listened:)

So here I was holding the second pregnancy test strip in my hand, in utter disbelief (the first one was cursed to be desi made and hence I didn’t trust the result. And believe me would have tried third but hubby bought me only two:P)
We least expected the two lines on the strip!

I had mixed feelings could not just believe how it happened :P LOL! But either all those tests carried before were false or this one.
Didn’t sleep whole night, thought of getting abort and cursed my self for being so unthankful to God. Thought of accepting it as Allah's will and asked Him to give me the strength to bear and go through it successfully.

First few months were so busy (call them tough) that I hardly knew I was pregnant! I had long walks with grocery in hands, had to lift weight, packed, unpacked, traveled, again traveled … cut it short, never had a nausea, never a vomit. Alhamdulilah!

Did all shopping for the lil one, have thought about names, have even nick named itJ And guys guess what ? in matter of few days, I will be letting you know about the newbie!
I wish it be pink, an addition to my girls lobby!

Meeting prince charming, the tale

Although most of you know how I met my prince charming, but seems like some have missed my fairy tale.
So here it goes. I know him since 1995, (yes since that time when I hardly even knew what love is). It was just an acquaintance. Nothing much hardly a hello hi, passing by.

Our paths crossed again at an institute where we were preparing for the aptitude test. We had many common friends. I was a popular girl and was always surrounded by loads of friends. He became a better acquaintance there, not a friend as yet.

Later, he went to his professional college, I went to mine. He asked for my contact number from a common friend and called me up on my birthday. Once a year talk was enough. I don’t exactly remember how we became good friends but it was before he decided to leave for USA for his further studies that we met on his birthday and exchanged gifts. I got "my best friend's wedding" CD and gave him a fountain pen.

The actual friendship flourished through internet, on MSN messenger. There was no love before. It all evolved online:)

I being the sensitive one had so much to whine about and he being a good listener was always around. Then one fine day, he actually proposed !!!

I never had imagined, it would come true. To tell you the truth for me it was like so may other guys who had asked me to marry them and I never took them seriously!
He visited the city, we met and I was too shy, not the usual me, just posing confident.

He wanted to get engaged but his family didn't agree. So he went back to complete his studies. We used to talk every weekend for hours. Endless chat sessions.. I was scared to lose him. I feared that his family wont agree and we will have to go our ways.

Long story short, he came back after completing his studies. It was January 5th 2005 that we met (January 5th 2006 was when we got engaged)
Although, we had a tough time after our engagement and I was not very willing to marry but it happened!

He took a strong stand and fought whatever came, tackling me on other hand. I believe I have given him a very tough time too! I had soem differences and was scared to marry him. Unfortunately, it was too late for me to realise and fortunately he didnt let go off me.

Next January (2007) we walked down the aisle!

And I so so so truly love him for everything he has done for me! Hence the happily ever after, alhamdullilah and MashAllah!

A scratch from the past

All my life I dreamt of having a twin sister. I always wanted one, even if not twin.

My mom used to say that I wasn't her daughter. I got exchanged with some Sudani/Somali's baby in the hospital because I was dark and hence I always wished meeting my Sudnai mom and my twin sister, which never came true. This beleif was so staunch that people often used to laugh at me.

I spend years thinking of them and finally came out of it and realised that my mom was really my mom and just cause I got burnt/over cooked while being baked in the oven didn't mean I was Sudani/Somali.

I know it was so rude of her to tell me that:( But it's OK now. I know if I have a daughter and she's white, I dont need to tell her that she belongs to some european family:P

The girls lobby

For a very long time I have thought about writing something only about girls. How we feel, what mistakes we do and what we go through in different phases of life.

I have lived a great life in Pakistan and abroad and have been through the emotional roller coaster through out.

There is so much to write about. I wish instead of listening to fairy tales and dreaming of our prince charming we were educated to face what life has to offer us.
The readers who are here have been with me for a long time and must be knowing at least a little about me.

So lets start this new journey through this blog. Feel free to ask me anything about my life and I would love to share how I went through it.